Elective Posting: Day 14

Though these few days learnt more new things, and getting closer with the doctors there, attended many teachings and CMEs, but today I getting very depressed. Not only that I did some mistakes when doing procedures, but the worse is that I realized my heart is not in the right direction. 

Being very clumsy when taking blood C+S, failed to set up a line, run away from my mistakes and letting other people to clean up the mess I did, ignoring or simply 'layan' the patients. Seriously something really going wrong with my heart, i.e. my attitude. 

When seeing patients, they are nothing more than the subject of study. When examining patients, they are nothing more than the models to see. When doing procedures, they are nothing more than the dummies for practice. Not only I didn't treat them as my family, but I didn't even see then as humans. Something wrong with my heart. 

Some people said the first principle in medicine is "Patient's autonomy". Some people said the first principle in first aid is "Do not harm". But seriously, I think the first principle in medicine and in first aid is simply the greatest commandment that Jesus Christ gave. 

Jesus replied: 

" `Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. 

And the second is like it: `Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Matthew 22:37-40

If this commandment is obeyed, everything else will follow after it. Yet this is the very thing that I didn't follow. 

Many times after I made such mistakes, I feel like 'I want to die', 'I don't want to be here anymore', 'Kill me please', 'Punish me please', or 'Give me another chance to atone my mistakes'. But all these thoughts are so cowardy or work-based religion thinking. 

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, 

but worldly sorrow brings death.

2 Corinthians 7:10

We should feel the sorrow and guilt for the sins that we did, but the wrong way of sorrow and our own way to atone for our sins will just bring death.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, 

but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

In the same time, we also shouldn't feel depressed and let our sins in the past burden us (but this is exactly what I am doing now >.<). We need not to do so, because Christ has paid for our sins, and moreover God gives us the Holy Spirit, not a spirit of coward, but a spirit of power and love. 

These things are easy to be said and to be taught, when when come to doing it, it is difficult, in fact it  is impossible if you try to do it yourself. Only with God and by God we can do it. 

Change my heart oh Lord, 

make it ever true. 

Change my heart oh Lord, 

may I be like You. 

 ____________________

 

Teach us how to love each other,

Lift us to the joy divine. 

From the hymn Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee