A Not-So-Orderly Account

Therefore, since I myself have carefully investigated everything from the beginning,

it seemed good also to me to write an orderly account for you,

most excellent Theophilus.

Luke 1:3

This is the reason Luke wrote his version of the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ. Hence I am going to write also an account of this encounter with her, for myself, as a reminder of this painful lesson.

It was in summer 2010, this lady approached me via MSN messenger (something that was popular at that time), just a simple encounter, to ask whether I have this particular book. She is not a believer (for some it is not important, but for me it is utterly vital) Neither one of us will ever know how thing will further develop at that time. Since we have an intermittent chatting, via this web chatting.

This kind of chatting getting more complicated when we came back from summer holiday in fall 2010. We start to chat more and more frequent, eventually to daily basis. Neither one of us know that we have start to fall into this dangerous pit. We start to talk about all things, school life, family, classes, lectures, friends. Though we are not from the same age, yet we chat, and chat, and chat. And not without ending a chat with saying a proper 'good night'. And both of us gladly want to keep everything in this small chatting window, and not letting others know that we start to develop this relationship, maybe both if us fear the unnecessary gossip from unnecessary people.

From the bottom of my heart I start to know, something is not proper. She is not a believer. She is not. I keep remind myself that there is a boundary that I cannot cross, yet I can't control my heart. I still develop this special feeling for her. I keep using this excuse that I want to share the Gospel with her. I literally share the bible verses from Genesis to Revelation to her. Eventually I share the Gospel with her, invited her to Christmas dinner with the proper Christmas message shared in that event. I keep deceived myself that she is responding to the Gospel, but the fact is that the seed never grow in the soil, before the seed lands on the soil it was snatched away by the bird. She never confess, she never seek the truth, she never believe in this Saviour. Why? Simply because she never recognise her sins and her need for a Saviour. The born again experience never occurs in her life. That Christmas event is just an occasion for her to exchange gift. That Christmas is just an occasion for us to exchange Christmas card. The Word never went into her ears.

One of the reason she starts to open up to me, is because initially I am not too close, so that she can secretly share her deep feeling with me, her deeply wounded heart, from her previous relationship. She had a boyfriend before, and apparently that person hurt her deeply. I used the word "apparently" because I only heard this version of the story from her and not from other people around us. The part that very annoyed me is that she keep dilly-dally with this person that she hated so much for hurting her. But people said love and hate are the flip-sides of the same coin. I can sense that she still have feeling for this person. And it annoyed me. I was here willing to spend time with you and you keep thinking about this person that so-called hurt you.

I tried to keep a distance from her, tried to temporary stay away from this web chatting. But my heart is still thinking of her. I even shared this with my pastor, and he offered tremendous advice and counsel, and prayers. The scary part about her, and the part when things get more complicated was when she started to rely more and more on me. I mean, even to very simple thing. I tried to help her, I offered her help when she need it, I even pray with her (once only). But what she need is not me, but God.

The twist of the account is when she started to complain more and more about the people around her, and thing worsened when she started to complaint a brother of mine in the church. Although she was very close to me that time, but how dare she bashed my brother in Christ. I tried to solve thing peacefully with her. But she keep murmuring, and it showed the ugly side of her, by using not foul language, but very disgraceful words. Eventually I directed the conversation to her. I confronted her of her sins and her need for repentance. She was annoyed, she was pissed off. She just stop the conversation with the excuse of headache (we were both medical student at that time, please don't bluff me with this kind of stupid excuse).

Anyway when the conversation was done, I quoted Hebrews 3:15 "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion." on my messenger status. She saw it and confirmed with me whether it is referring to her. My affirmation triggers her anger. She is offended to be known as 'rebel', she denied that she is in rebellion, she sees not her sins against this Holy God. She was so offended by the last part of the verse that she forgot the first part of the verse, where I wanted to remind her to not harden her heart if she hear God's voice. Seems like she didn't hear His voice. The Word of God is like so sharp, like a double-edged sword, it either pierce the heart of flesh and break the pride of the believers, or it pierce the heart of stone and offend the mind of non-believers. Apparently His Word did the latter to her. The worst is she understand not the concept of forgiveness, so she bashed the core of my belief.

This confrontation also end our relationship abruptly in summer 2011. She did apologised of her rudeness. But I see no repentance of her sin of unbelief. I need not her apology in this matter, I only want her repentance and her confession of a need of Saviour. But it didn't happen. Eventually I keep myself away from her. A broken glass can never be fixed back. And we became strangers, or even worse than that. I didn't even attend her convocation which I promised (my preparation for examinations was more important at that time). I met her 2 years later in the hospital, but I pretended that I didn't know this person. She either doesn't recognise, or does the same thing that I did - pretend didn't know me.

I do recalled a event where we actually asked each other, what we were to each other. We only mentioned that we were friends. Neither one of us confess that we think each other as someone closer than friends, we never said it out, though my heart think otherwise. The sad part is that I saw her revert to her belief in Buddhism that she followed all these while. I don't think it is correct to use the term "revert" since she never believe Christ in the very first place.

A painful encounter, but a deep lesson.

___________________

 

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverb 4:23