Christmas Cake

A scene from the anime "Ao no Exorcist" Episode 19

 

Think about it,

Isn't it ironic for those people that celebrate 

the birth of the Son of God, 

even though they don't believe in Him?

By Faith

Last Saturday I just moved to the new floor, which is 6th floor. I have already moved once just the day before the semester started, and now need to move again. Many times I keep asking, "Why?". But it is written,

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place 

he would later receive as his inheritance,

obeyed and went, 

even though he did not know where he was going. 

Hebrews 11:8

Do you have enough faith, to trust God, even when you are called to a place that you don't know where is it?

____________________

 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for 

and certain of what we do not see. 

Hebrews 11:1

Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing,

Source: http://www.christianity.com/ChurchHistory/11630313/

Robert Robinson was just a small boy when his dad died. In 18th century England, there was little in the way of a social welfare system and this meant that he had to go to work while still very young. Without a father to guide and steady him, he fell in with bad companions.

One day his gang of rowdies harassed a drunken gypsy. Pouring liquor into her, they demanded she tell their fortunes for free. Pointing her finger at Robert she told him he would live to see his children and grandchildren. This struck a tender spot in his heart. "If I'm going to live to see my children and grandchildren," he thought, "I'll have to change my way of living. I can't keep on like I'm going now."

He decided to go hear the Methodist preacher George Whitefield. To cover his "weak" urge, he suggested that the boys go with him and heckle the gathering. Whitefield preached on the text: "O generation of vipers, who hath warned you to flee from the wrath to come?" (Matthew 3:7). Robert left in dread, under a deep sense of sin that lasted for three years.

Finally, at the age of twenty, he made peace with God and immediately set out to become a Methodist preacher himself. Two years later, in 1757, he wrote a hymn which expressed his joy in his new faith:

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

This was printed the next year. At first people thought that Selina Hastings, the Countess of Huntingdon, a strong Methodist had written this. Eventually it was learned that Robert was the writer. In the last stanza, Robert had written:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love
Take my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for thy courts above.

Prone to wander Robert was. He left the Methodists and became a Baptist. Later on, having become a close friend of Joseph Priestly, he was accused of becoming a Unitarian. Priestly and other Unitarians denied the full divinity of Christ. However, in a sermon he preached after he supposedly became a Unitarian, Robinson clearly declared that Jesus was God, and added, "Christ in Himself is a person infinitely lovely as both God and man."

Robert died on this day, June 9, 1790. Had he left the God he loved? A widely-told, but unverifiable, story says that one day as he was riding in a stagecoach a lady asked him what he thought of the hymn she was humming. He responded, "Madam, I am the poor unhappy man who wrote that hymn many years ago, and I would give a thousand worlds, if I had them, to enjoy the feelings I had then."

* * *

Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh,
till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

- Robert Robinson -

____________________

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. 

He named it Ebenezer, saying, 

"Thus far has the LORD helped us." 

1 Samuel 7:12

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

- Horatio Spafford -

Sometimes

Sometimes, I just try to do what I can.
But it seems like what I can do is not what others want.

Sometimes, I just try to do my best.
But it seems like the best that I can do is not enough.

Sometimes, I try not to show off.
But it seems like there is a tendency for others,
and for me also, to think that I am prideful.
And it is very dreadful to feel so.

Sometimes, I just try to work things out for everyone.
But it seems like not everyone wants to work it out,

together.

Sometimes, I just try to follow the protocols.
But it seems like things are going against it. 

Sometimes, I just try to ask in proper way.
But it seems like what I get is just a false promise.

Sometimes, I just try to understand someone.

But it seems like so hard to reach,

and they don't really care also.

Sometimes, I just try to be kind.
But it seems like others respond in a way that,
I am just an answering machine.

Sometimes, I just try to understand  why are they doing it.

But it seems like what they do is always contradicting themselves,

and make no sense out of it.

Sometimes, I just try to get away from it.

But it seems like they keep coming back to you,

persistently.

Sometimes, I just try to forget about it,

But it seems like the more you try to forget,

the more you will remember it.

Sometimes, I just try to find someone to pour out my problems.
But it seems like there is only one person that I can talk to,
and his age is triple of mine.

I just don't understand why,
and I just don't know what to do,
or how to do.

Is it because I didn't try my best?
Or is it because I am just trying to go through it?
Or is it because I didn't do it out of love?
Or is it because I didn't trust God?
I don't know,

I really don't know.


* * *


我缓缓飘落 海的那边 星光的草原
  却已找不到我 流过的一滴泪

我默默追寻昨天的我 最远到哪里 
明天不再有你

我怎么疯狂 怎么悲伤 没有人了解
最想念的季节 最初的那一天
我爱说的梦 你爱的歌 往事如云烟

停在那一年 雨最大那一天
最想念的季节 有人记得吗？


 ____________________

想過要將就一點 ，卻發現將就更難。

Awakenings 1990

Holiday is at the corner, and I just watched a movie entitled Awakenings (1990) recommended by my Neurology teacher, Olga Victorovna Kurushina. She said the actor in this movie portrayed the side effects of L-DOPA, the first line drug for treatment of Parkinson's disease.

This is based on a true story. The doctor discovered that the drug L-DOPA can be used to let his first patient Leonard, then other catatonic-like patients to once again move and speak again, or in a simpler word, "awakening" from their catatonic state. But soon everyone realised that this brief moment of "awakening" doesn't last long. Eventually, no matter how much they increased the dosage of L-DOPA, rather than continue the "awakening" period, they experienced the side effects of L-DOPA, such as dyskinesia and paranoia symptoms. The patients eventually returned to their catatonic stage. Leonard and many of the patients experienced brief periods of awakening, but never as dramatically as they did in the summer of 1969.

This movie really strikes me a lot. There is so much a doctor can do, and there is so little a doctor can do. A dosage of 1000mg L-DOPA can awake Leonard from his catatonic state, yet when the "chemical window closed", no matter how much Doctor Sayer prescribes the L-DOPA, Leonard eventually fall back to his previous state. Dr. Sayer said to the nurse, "You told him I was a kind man. How kind is it to give life... only to take it away again?" Seriously, doctors are just humans, neither can they do mircales, nor resurrect a person, only God can performs miracles, and raises those people from dead to alive.

Another things that strikes me so much is when Leonard start to becomes more aggressive and having dyskinesia due to the side effects of L-DOPA, he start to seek freedom, and when it is not granted by the hospital administrators, he becomes furious and agitated. He tries to seek his own way out. Even when Dr. Sayer tries to explain his situation, he hardens his heart, and listen not to him, even to the point to push Dr. Sayer away. But when Leonard comes to his sense, when he realises how helpless he is, he cries out to Dr. Sayer, "Help me". He also asks whether Dr. Sayer can stop this process, though Dr. Sayer has no idea what to do, yet he says, "Do not give up on me."

Isn't our own situation similar to Leonard's? There is NOTHING that we can do for our own sinless state. For the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23). Everyone of us, ever since from the Fall, have sinned. All of us fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Some people, deny their situation. Some people, recognise their situation, but they try to save themselves through their own works and good deeds.

I just finished my Psychiatry cycle, and while I am reading about electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), I read about Hay's paradox: the organ giving consent is the organ affected. So in the same way, we who are trying to save ourselves, are the people in trouble. So actually, all of us, without exclusion, like Leonard. There is nothing that we can do to help our ownselves. This is the bad news.

But there is good news also. What God wants from us is not that we trust our ownselves and trust our own works to save ourselves by our own strength and power, but like Leonard, calls up to Him and say "Help me", for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved" (Romans 10:13). What God wants is to look away from ourselves, and trust Him and Him alone, trust in His work that has been once and for all done on the Cross. Trust Him that He and He alone can deliver us from our sinful state. The old hymn sings, Trust and obey, for there is no other way. Really, there is not other way, but to trust and obey, the One and only One. But remember also, different from Dr. Sayer who can just do what a man can do, God can do what man cannot do. Not only He can awake us, He can make us to born again, so that we can see the kingdom of God (John 3:3). And we can also assure that He will never give up on us, because He says, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)

 ____________________

"The time has come," He said. 

"The kingdom of God is near. 

Repent and believe the good news!"  

Mark 1:15

给我一个理由忘记

 歌手：黄丽玲

雨都停了 这片天灰什么呢
我还记得 你说我们要快乐
深夜里的脚步声 总是刺耳
害怕寂寞 就让狂欢的城市陪我关灯
只是哪怕周围再多人 感觉还是一个人
每当我笑了 心却狠狠地哭着

给我一个理由忘记 那么爱我的你
给我一个理由放弃 当时做的决定
有些爱 越想抽离 却越更清晰
那最痛的距离 是你不在身边 却在我的心里

当我走在 去过的每个地方
总会听到 你那最自由的笑
当我回到 一个人 住的地方
最怕看到 冬天你最爱穿的那件外套
只是哪怕周围再多人 感觉还是一个人
每当我笑了 心却狠狠地哭着

我找不到理由忘记 大雨里的别离
我找不到理由放弃 我等你的决心
有些爱 越想抽离 却越更清晰
那最痛的距离 是你不在身边 却在我的心里
我想你

Active Desktop with Widgets

My latest wallpaper =). Done with:

• Rainmeter 2.1 with Omnimo Theme 
• HTC Home for the flip clock and weather widget.

痛彻心扉

歌手：张栋梁

回忆充满整个房子
我们的住处
围困我笑也不会茶也不思
一个人恍恍又惚惚
相爱的国度里没有人居住

回忆混乱我的脚步
阻碍了出路
证明了你的自私你的贪图
残忍的看着我无助
平淡的回应我虚假的无辜

痛彻心扉记忆的伤一寸一寸像你的冷酷
否定我这些日子以来的付出
不能睡的痛楚不知名的愤怒
不能上诉只能安静的痛哭

痛彻心扉记忆的伤一寸一寸像你的冷酷
告诉我不再需要有我来保护
不能睡的痛楚不知名的愤怒
不能上诉只能安静的痛哭

Mosaic / Metro Wallpaper

 
Newly created wallpaper, inspired by the Mosaic view of Blogger 

and also Metro UI of Window 8 =)

На русском языке......

Seriously I really feel annoyed when those teachers from 4th year onward like to say, "Since you guys will be answering your 'gost exam'  in Russian, you will now answer in the class in Russian, and during the lesson we will speak in Russian." (of course they say this in Russian also =_=)

But I thought we pay more to learn medicine in English?

Why are we sitting the 'gost exam' (government exam) in Russian?

Why are we having class in Russian?

Why those teachers that can't speak in English teaching the English medium? (FYI, they are paid more if they teach the English medium)

Seriously, I really dislike those teachers say something like that,

на русском языке...... (means, in Russian language......)

Things you should have in extra

Spectacles

You never know when your spec will break.



Shoes
You never know when it rains
and the next day you need to go out.




Key
You never know when you will misplace your key
and stuck out side of your room.



 

Phone
You never know when you will lose you phone,
or drop it in the water, or in my case,
send it into the washing machine to have a 'bath'.

The worst thing is, I intend to buy new phone,
but iPhone 5 still not yet out.


Think of buying a small-sized smartphone, like the new Xperia™ Mini.
Though it is small, but it has many functions that other smartphones have,
but also very expensive, about RM1000, I expect it to be less than RM800.

Now my SE W810i in RICU (Rice Intensive Care Unit), still waiting the dehydration therapy to be completed. But after having a complete hydration process in the washing machine with detergent, the chance to revive is like... 0.01%? T_T. Anyway I will just wait and see how it goes. If it is not working, maybe just borrow a primitive phone from my friends.


Update 1

My SE W810i actually survives after completing 24 hours of dehydration therapy in RICU, only some lesions due to the water damage can be seen on the screen, and dysfunction of camera, but other functions are preserved. The last thing to check is the battery life span, will it drained fast after the water damage? We will see, like the russians say, "Поживём, увидим".

Conclusion: Phone damaged by water CAN be save by:

1. Don't try to switch on the phone immediately, no matter how tempting it is.
2. Remove the battery, sim card, and memory card from your phone. 
3. If you can dismantle the phone, do it, can dry the wet part with dry towel (but in my case I didn't do it because I don't know how to dismantle my phone >.<).
4. Immerse your phone and battery in the uncooked rice or silica gel (if you can get them) to absorb all the moisture in it
5. Wait for at least 24 hours (I know that 24 hours seems like 24 days for you, but be patient). 
6. At last but not least, PRAY to Him who can resurrect the dead from the grave.
7. After that long 24 hours, assemble all the parts, and try to switch on. If it won't switch on, don't panic. The battery might be drained after the water damage, try plug in your charger and switch it on again. 

Update 2

As expected, the battery life is draining very fast. In less than 12 hours the battery from 100% go downs to 12%. I am thinking of getting a new phone =P. Maybe ask my friend  to get it in Malaysia during winter holiday, hehe XD. Anyway I will try to get a battery replacement for this phone first, but I don't know whether I can get a battery in this place or not...... and usually a ciplak battery is like very unstable and drain very fast also......

Update 3

I managed to get a battery for 890 rubles (sakit hati...) but I don't know the battery will last long like the original one or not =/ .

 ____________________

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him.
Psalm 37:7

Why should we?

Why should we need to tolerate,
when we are doing something beneficial?

Why we are the one tolerating with other people's schedule,
when the thing we do should be a routine?

In the past no one adjusts the time with me,
why now should I adjust the time with other people?

Why they got time and energy to feast around,

but no for something beneficial?

Why should we tolerate with their feast,

when we are doing some beneficial for everyone?

They should, and able, and will come, 

if they really want to.

Everyone has time to do the things that they want,
but not the things they ought.

 ____________________

And when you were eating and drinking, 

were you not just feasting for yourselves?

Zechariah 7:6

iDevice / iPride?

This post is directly taken from Oatmeal.

Is this happening (either literally or figuratively)
to me, and you?

 ____________________

 What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short.

From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none;

those who mourn, as if they did not;

those who are happy, as if they were not;

those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep;

those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them.

For this world in its present form is passing away.

1 Corinthians 7:29-31

In the Cleft of the Rock

If this is the cleft of the rock that You want to bring me to,

Please let my feet stand on this Rock,
because You alone are my firm foundation.
 

Please soften my heart to feel Your presence,
 because it is in Your presence, that's  where I am strong.

Please open my eyes to see Your glory,

because it is in Your glory, that's where my joy is completed.

 ____________________

Then the LORD said, "There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. 

When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock 

and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. 

Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen." 

Exodus 33:21-23

等待，只为了再次相遇。

已经选择忘记，为何又再回来呢？

走吧，不愿再做等待的男孩。

走吧，不愿再做电话应答机。

走吧，不愿再给没人听的忠告。

走吧，不愿再给没人听的鼓励。

走吧，不愿再坐在电脑前等待回复。

走吧，不愿再看着电话前等待短讯。

走吧，不愿再给不想听的人翻经文。

走吧，不愿再等待不值得等待的人。

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to 

the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,

for whose sake I have lost all things. 

I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ. 

Philippians 3:8

唯一值得等待的，只有主的来临。

等待，只为了再次相遇。

 ____________________

 

我将会忘记当时迷失的我，

我将会放弃当时做的决定。

Involvement VS. Commitment

Is commitment a good thing? Many times I felt that I don't have the desire to commit into something. I don't feel like having a long term relation with something or someone, especially if I know that I won't be there for long time. I scare to commit, because if I give myself to deep into something, it will leave a deep scar when I go away. 

But when I think back, I feel the other way round. I feel lonely and regretful if I didn't commit myself. I don't know, this feeling is so difficult to describe. Maybe I never understand what my heart really thinks and what my heart really wants. 

When I think back, the thing that I committed the most is Koinonia fellowship. I really being part of it, and it feels like my home. I don't know how I would feel when I graduate and come back Malaysia. But instead of being hurt and feel regretful, I think it would be rather memorable. 

However there are things that I do feel regretful after I committed or deeply involved, especially relationship. Many times I feel regretful of being so close with someone, until the point that I hope those things never happen. A simple example is martial art, though it is not something bad, rather it is quite useful, but isn't it better if I spend all the time and money on something else, like buying books or knowing God? I also getting myself twice in a very bad relationship with someone, and it hurts my spiritual life severely. 

The difference between involvement and commitment is like an egg-and-ham breakfast, 
the chicken involved, but the pig committed. 

So is commitment a good thing? Everyone including me afraid to commit, because we scare it will cost our lives, like what happened to that pig. But the result also depends on the thing that you commit. If you commit yourself in something bad, surely it will exhaust you and what you get is just damage.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. 

Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness 

and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:11

But if you commit in something good, though you might need to give up many things, but what you get in return is incomparable with what you put in. So afterall, whether commitment is a good or not, it depends on what  you commit in. So let us commit ourselves in something good. 

 ____________________

Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the Lord your God.

1 Chronicles 22:19

Elective Posting: Day 15

It has been quite some times I do my elective posting at this hospital. However everything has an end. Yesterday was my last day at the hospital. Kind of sad to leave this hospital after being here for 3 weeks. Not only so, this also signify that I need to go back to Russia. In the hospital I saw many local students there. I attended some of the teachings there, both short case and long case. Their teachings is so much different, and better, compared to those in Russia. Many times I think that won't it be so much better to study locally? Won't it be so much easier and much rewarding? But when I think more seriously, will I appreciate this good teachings if I never been to Russia? Will I have the guts to speak if I never been to Russia? I don't know. But one thing that I am very sure.

From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth;

and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.

God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him,

though he is not far from each one of us.

Acts 17:26-27

If I never been to Russia, I might not seek God, or even know about God. Though in Malaysia there is so many churches, but He chooses to bring me to Russia and make Himself known to me at this post-communist country. Because if this sole reason, I need not ask "If only...". 

Anyway, this elective posting was very valuable and memorable. Very hope that I can come back to this ward next year summer. At the same time I feel very regret that I didn't manage to say good-bye to one of the HO there. 

 ____________________

悄悄的我走了，正如我悄悄的来；

我挥一挥衣袖，不带走一片云彩。

Elective Posting: Day 14

Though these few days learnt more new things, and getting closer with the doctors there, attended many teachings and CMEs, but today I getting very depressed. Not only that I did some mistakes when doing procedures, but the worse is that I realized my heart is not in the right direction. 

Being very clumsy when taking blood C+S, failed to set up a line, run away from my mistakes and letting other people to clean up the mess I did, ignoring or simply 'layan' the patients. Seriously something really going wrong with my heart, i.e. my attitude. 

When seeing patients, they are nothing more than the subject of study. When examining patients, they are nothing more than the models to see. When doing procedures, they are nothing more than the dummies for practice. Not only I didn't treat them as my family, but I didn't even see then as humans. Something wrong with my heart. 

Some people said the first principle in medicine is "Patient's autonomy". Some people said the first principle in first aid is "Do not harm". But seriously, I think the first principle in medicine and in first aid is simply the greatest commandment that Jesus Christ gave. 

Jesus replied: 

" `Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. 

And the second is like it: `Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Matthew 22:37-40

If this commandment is obeyed, everything else will follow after it. Yet this is the very thing that I didn't follow. 

Many times after I made such mistakes, I feel like 'I want to die', 'I don't want to be here anymore', 'Kill me please', 'Punish me please', or 'Give me another chance to atone my mistakes'. But all these thoughts are so cowardy or work-based religion thinking. 

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, 

but worldly sorrow brings death.

2 Corinthians 7:10

We should feel the sorrow and guilt for the sins that we did, but the wrong way of sorrow and our own way to atone for our sins will just bring death.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, 

but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

In the same time, we also shouldn't feel depressed and let our sins in the past burden us (but this is exactly what I am doing now >.<). We need not to do so, because Christ has paid for our sins, and moreover God gives us the Holy Spirit, not a spirit of coward, but a spirit of power and love. 

These things are easy to be said and to be taught, when when come to doing it, it is difficult, in fact it  is impossible if you try to do it yourself. Only with God and by God we can do it. 

Change my heart oh Lord, 

make it ever true. 

Change my heart oh Lord, 

may I be like You. 

 ____________________

 

Teach us how to love each other,

Lift us to the joy divine. 

From the hymn Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee

Step #1: Be a godly man

Today immediately after the Sunday service, I meet with Joshua and went to his church in Cheras. After the sermon there was a choir singing by Jean and other brothers and sisters. After the service we have a lunch at McD. Then we meet up with Wailup, Annie, Chong, and Yiping. We have a great time together and catching up with what happened in our life. 

Glad to see these three couples, not just ordinary couples, but couples that grow together in our Lord Jesus Christ, couples that please God and glorify His name. And the way they being close with each other is so much different from those couples who are not in Christ. I also seen Wailup and Annie's wedding photos. Those photos were taken at Kota Kinabalu by Adam Ong. Maybe next time should find him also, find only I meet a godly partner. 

Btw I quite surprise to hear that Kok Tong is very popular among the sisters in his church at Kedah, even the pastor's wife wanted to introduce her daughter to him. I wonder why this is happening, and Joshua explained, is very simple, a single young man, with talent, works as a doctor, and having a strong and firm spiritual life, so of course many sisters coming after him. After all what Frank says is true, if you want a godly wife, just be a godly man. You can't expect God let an ungodly man to take care a godly woman. 

Seriously I always thought that finding a godly partner is very difficult. Actually it is not difficult, because the difficult part is to be a godly man. Is never easy, in fact it is impossible for everyone, because all have sinned and fall short if the glory of God, but thanks be to our God that He sent His Son to be the atonement of our sins. By His blood we are able to pursuit holiness, to be more Christ-like. Anyway I feel so glad to meet these brothers and sisters again. There are like my family. 

 ____________________

 

"Be holy, because I am holy."
1 Peter 1:16

Elective Posting: Day 10

Today... Nothing much in the morning, the specialists very late only came to do the round ward. I was looking forward to the teaching about insulin therapy, but when my friend and I reached there, the doctor said it is exclusive for HOs only. And there is no CME today because there is only a CME every forenight. Double disappointments.

However today I was given a chance to take ABG again, because initially the HO has some difficulties in inserting the branula and the patient has a bad impression of her. So she asked me to help her take it. Taking ABG is really not easy. Though able to feel the pulse very clearly and the patient is not obese, but somehow I can't insert the needle into the radial artery. The worst thing was that the patient keep making a lot of noise >.<. So the HO asked me to take from femoral artery. I was thinking, are you serious? Femoral artery? Because the risk of having hematoma is much higher.  Anyway I just try and do it because she said is very easy. As she said, the femoral artery is very big and palpable, just that it is deeper. One insertion, and woopa... the bright red arterial blood flow up into the heparinised syringe. Thank God really. Since ABG was taken successfully, the patient also quiet down, but he still complained about the branula on his hand. So I warned him that if he pull it out, the doctor will poke him again. 

Btw, in the afternoon 2 patients passed away. There were some medical staffs carried a metal casing to carry them away. Very sad to see those things happened. 

Last week I was still wondering about asking the patient's family to decide whether to NAR or DNR for the patient. Personally I think that the doctor should do their best in saving patient's life. Today I got my answer about it. The consultant in my ward from gastro explained that the very first principle in medicine is: Patient Autonomy! If patient cannot make the decision due to unconsciousness or confusion or other reasons, it is not the family, who don't have medical knowledge and skills to make consent. Doctor is the one that should make the most suitable choice  for patient according to the situation. We should just counsel the family, let them understand the reason behind the doctor's decision, rather than letting them making the choice. 

What he said is true. How can the family, especially those without medical knowledge can make the decision in how to save patient? But according to the consultant's words, doctors nowadays due to pressure from boss and the family, and they want to save themselves from all the troubles, doctors will ask the family and get their 'consent' when come to making decision, but this is a wrong practice. Suddenly I remember what Peter said. 

Peter and the other apostles replied: 

"We must obey God rather than men!"

Acts 5:29

Sometime instead of doing things according to what other people want, we should do what God commands. 

Elective Posting: Day 09

Today morning I tried to set up a line in a asthmatic patient , but I failed go put the branula on both sides of the hand. The first one failed because I forcefully insert the branula into the vein, so I can't flush the heparin through it. After take out the branula, the HO found out that the branula is bent >.<. For the second one I didn't manage to push the whole branula in, and when I took the branula out there is resistant when taking out, and it bleeds much after the branula was removed. This time the patient was really not happy about it. The third time the HO put the branula, initially there is also resistant when she was tryin to flush the heparin, but after tilting the hand a bit she managed to flush it. Kind of sad because the veins were so prominent and I was given two chances, yet I failed, patient felt very unhappy, and I gave that HO so much troubles. But surprisingly in the afternoon before I left the hospital that HO told me that she need to reinsert the branula because the insertion site of the branula was swollen. I wonder whether I was not skillful enough, or something wrong with the patient's veins? Hmm...... 

Today I also has chance to do PR (per rectum, i.e. digital rectal examination) to palpate the prostate gland, because this patient has liver metastatic disease and prostate cancer need to be rule out by checking serum PSA and doing PR. The HO that taught me to do PR also taught me how to do BFMP (blood film for malarial parasite). A thick blood film and thin blood film need to be done. Today only I knew that this HO graduated from Ukraine. Suddenly felt very...... don't know how to describe it , is like meeting a fellow friend in a foreign country. Anyway glad to meet this HO. 

Those who did practical in medical ward must had follow a round ward with specialist or consultant. But have you seen a grandround ward? Today I saw my gastro consultant came with his MO in the afternoon, but there were many other gastro specialists and MOs came with them. They are known as the 'Gastro Team'. Very surprise to see so many doctors from other department came together to see some patients.  Even the specialists in my ward saw them, raised up their hands a bit, and said, "Hi boss" o_O. I wonder how many does it takes to reach their position. 

I attended the CME of medical department twice, I felt very disappointed. The way they present their case and topic is like...... reading the slide. You don't  need MD or MBBS to read the slide. Even some of my seniors can present better than them. Maybe I think I expected too much from their CME. But their HO teachings are quite good. There is a teaching about insulin treatment tomorrow, I hope medical student can attend also. 

Elective Posting: Day 08

Note: Seriously, I really wonder who still read this blog......

After few days of elective posting at hospital, gained many experiences. By The grace of God I have chances to take more venous blood, set up line or insert branula. There was a time that I need to take venous blood from a 12 years old boy with dengue fever, since need to take blood 3 times per day from dengue patient. But it was difficult to find veins in a small kid, especially after poking his veins so many times. So the HO asked to me to take arterial blood. So again by the mercy of God I have a chance to take arterial blood.

Though the vein difficult to find, but paradoxically the artery is easy to get in children. Though getting more chances to do different procedures after staying at ward 18 for about 1 week, but getting kind of depressed cause can't really answer specialists' questions, and they usually ask us to find the answer in CPG, CPG, CPG, CPG...... CPG simply stands for Clinical Practical Guidelines. They are some guidelines regarding management of patient that set up by Ministry of Health (MOH) of Malaysia. Last time need to read books, now need to read those CPG =_=. Today heard my friend said she felt what we learn in Russia is like...not to say totally useless, but is like not usable in Malaysia hospital. Getting many 5s at there really doesn't mean anything at all, even getting a Red Diploma doesn't mean anything. So how should I move on? Someone said before that our eyes are located in the anterior part of the head, so that we will look forward and not looking backward. Suddenly I remembered what Paul said to the church of Philippi.

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do:

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 

I press on toward the goal to win the prize 

for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13-14

Maybe I really need to forget what is behind, and press on toward what is ahead. The past is memorable and valuable, but it can never hinder the future.

Elective Posting: Day 04

Today the ward not so busy. Thank God that I have chances to draw blood from some patients, but still didn't get a chance to insert a branula or take ABG. Yet today I know that there is something more difficult than taking ABG, and HO need to know how to do, that is to set up a central line, mainly to measure the CVP to check the hydration state of the patient. It can be either long line (insert from a peripheral vein) or short line (insert from internal jugular vein). When that HO knows he need to set up a long line, his expression like =_=. He mananged to get helps from few HOs, but after 3 attempts, they still fail. In the afternoon, the MO came to set up a short line, with guidance from other MOs and a specialist. After 3 attempts she also fail, because she keep insert the line into carotid artery. The specialist takes over, but few attempts he managed to insert the short line successfully.

Today I keep hearing doctors mention about this patient is NAR or DNR. NAR is need active resuscitation and DNR is do not resuscitate. But I still don't understand why there is a DNR option for patient. Shouldn't doctors do everything that they could to save the patients.

Today a consultant of ward 18 came again. I assumed that he is a specialist in GI department because he just want to GI patient only. He is a very good doctor, and he is the first doctor that bother me and ask me questions. Other specialists see me like an invisible person or a furniture only. One specialist only talk to me when she is seeing a patient from Myanmar, and she says to me,"You know how to speak Myanmar? Don't know? Why you didn't learn how to speak?" =_=...... Another specialist talks to me because he want me to speak to the patient's family in chinese. =_=...... I am a medical student or a translator?

Anyway, that GI specialist said something quite interesting. He said that everyone in this society has his own responsibility. Doctor can only diagnose the disease and give treatment to the patient. At the end of the day, patient has to take care of himself and compliant to his treatment. Doctor can't do everything. If you try do everything, at the end of the day, you just exhaust youselve only, but patient don't appreciate what doctor did. He keep saying "at the end of the day" many many times. The other day he also said that sometime he feels very lost interest in medicine, not because we can't do anything, in fact the hospital got many advance equipments and the best drugs, but the patient just not compliant to their treatment, and didn't follow up at the clinic. What he said is very true, but suddenly I remember what Paul said to the believers in Thessalonica.

And as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right.

2 Thessalonians 3:13

May the daily routine work in the hospital will not make our heart becomes harden and callous. Let us not forget the initial passion that we has when we choose doctor as our profession.

Elective Posting: Day 03

Today my ward (ward 18) should be passive ward, i.e. a ward that not going to admit new patient, so it should be less busy, but some how today ward 18 become like an emergency room (ER) in A&E department. There were 6 patients simultaneously collapsed and need resuscitation, but ward 18 don't have so much ventilators, so some patients need to be ventilated manually with Ambu bag. Many patients were intubated. The ward was so busy until specialist also need to help to insert branula/cannula, and doctors from A&E, radiology department, etc need to come to the ward to help up. A specialist came and do round, mainly for GI patients, but the ward so busy that hardly any HO go 'layan' him, and a HO, who is taking care of a particular patient went to listen a talk about dengue (if I know there was a dengue talk I won't stay at that ER-like ward), and that specialist want to see that patient. Anyway...... today is a hectic day for the HOs, MOs, and specialist of that ward. 

Btw, today having lunch with JS and his HO, BFF should join us but for some reasons she didn't. Sadly I heard how that HO described how poor those Russia-graduated HO, not because they are lazy, simply because they didn't learn what need to be learned in Russia, and the different system of medical education in Russia. Anyway, this is the conclusion that I came out:

When we are learning russian, others are learning how to clerk.

When we are reading books, others are reading journals.

When we are writing case histories, others are writing posters.

Anyway again, today I have chance to take venous blood from some patients, and thank God that I managed to take it, though failed few times. Still find chance to insert branula and also taking ABG. But even HO and MO got difficulties in taking ABG. Suddenly I remember again what Paul said to Timothy.

 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, 

but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7