等待，只为了再次相遇。

已经选择忘记，为何又再回来呢？

走吧，不愿再做等待的男孩。

走吧，不愿再做电话应答机。

走吧，不愿再给没人听的忠告。

走吧，不愿再给没人听的鼓励。

走吧，不愿再坐在电脑前等待回复。

走吧，不愿再看着电话前等待短讯。

走吧，不愿再给不想听的人翻经文。

走吧，不愿再等待不值得等待的人。

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to 

the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,

for whose sake I have lost all things. 

I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ. 

Philippians 3:8

唯一值得等待的，只有主的来临。

等待，只为了再次相遇。

 ____________________

 

我将会忘记当时迷失的我，

我将会放弃当时做的决定。

Involvement VS. Commitment

Is commitment a good thing? Many times I felt that I don't have the desire to commit into something. I don't feel like having a long term relation with something or someone, especially if I know that I won't be there for long time. I scare to commit, because if I give myself to deep into something, it will leave a deep scar when I go away. 

But when I think back, I feel the other way round. I feel lonely and regretful if I didn't commit myself. I don't know, this feeling is so difficult to describe. Maybe I never understand what my heart really thinks and what my heart really wants. 

When I think back, the thing that I committed the most is Koinonia fellowship. I really being part of it, and it feels like my home. I don't know how I would feel when I graduate and come back Malaysia. But instead of being hurt and feel regretful, I think it would be rather memorable. 

However there are things that I do feel regretful after I committed or deeply involved, especially relationship. Many times I feel regretful of being so close with someone, until the point that I hope those things never happen. A simple example is martial art, though it is not something bad, rather it is quite useful, but isn't it better if I spend all the time and money on something else, like buying books or knowing God? I also getting myself twice in a very bad relationship with someone, and it hurts my spiritual life severely. 

The difference between involvement and commitment is like an egg-and-ham breakfast, 
the chicken involved, but the pig committed. 

So is commitment a good thing? Everyone including me afraid to commit, because we scare it will cost our lives, like what happened to that pig. But the result also depends on the thing that you commit. If you commit yourself in something bad, surely it will exhaust you and what you get is just damage.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. 

Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness 

and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:11

But if you commit in something good, though you might need to give up many things, but what you get in return is incomparable with what you put in. So afterall, whether commitment is a good or not, it depends on what  you commit in. So let us commit ourselves in something good. 

 ____________________

Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the Lord your God.

1 Chronicles 22:19

Elective Posting: Day 15

It has been quite some times I do my elective posting at this hospital. However everything has an end. Yesterday was my last day at the hospital. Kind of sad to leave this hospital after being here for 3 weeks. Not only so, this also signify that I need to go back to Russia. In the hospital I saw many local students there. I attended some of the teachings there, both short case and long case. Their teachings is so much different, and better, compared to those in Russia. Many times I think that won't it be so much better to study locally? Won't it be so much easier and much rewarding? But when I think more seriously, will I appreciate this good teachings if I never been to Russia? Will I have the guts to speak if I never been to Russia? I don't know. But one thing that I am very sure.

From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth;

and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.

God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him,

though he is not far from each one of us.

Acts 17:26-27

If I never been to Russia, I might not seek God, or even know about God. Though in Malaysia there is so many churches, but He chooses to bring me to Russia and make Himself known to me at this post-communist country. Because if this sole reason, I need not ask "If only...". 

Anyway, this elective posting was very valuable and memorable. Very hope that I can come back to this ward next year summer. At the same time I feel very regret that I didn't manage to say good-bye to one of the HO there. 

 ____________________

悄悄的我走了，正如我悄悄的来；

我挥一挥衣袖，不带走一片云彩。

Elective Posting: Day 14

Though these few days learnt more new things, and getting closer with the doctors there, attended many teachings and CMEs, but today I getting very depressed. Not only that I did some mistakes when doing procedures, but the worse is that I realized my heart is not in the right direction. 

Being very clumsy when taking blood C+S, failed to set up a line, run away from my mistakes and letting other people to clean up the mess I did, ignoring or simply 'layan' the patients. Seriously something really going wrong with my heart, i.e. my attitude. 

When seeing patients, they are nothing more than the subject of study. When examining patients, they are nothing more than the models to see. When doing procedures, they are nothing more than the dummies for practice. Not only I didn't treat them as my family, but I didn't even see then as humans. Something wrong with my heart. 

Some people said the first principle in medicine is "Patient's autonomy". Some people said the first principle in first aid is "Do not harm". But seriously, I think the first principle in medicine and in first aid is simply the greatest commandment that Jesus Christ gave. 

Jesus replied: 

" `Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. 

And the second is like it: `Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Matthew 22:37-40

If this commandment is obeyed, everything else will follow after it. Yet this is the very thing that I didn't follow. 

Many times after I made such mistakes, I feel like 'I want to die', 'I don't want to be here anymore', 'Kill me please', 'Punish me please', or 'Give me another chance to atone my mistakes'. But all these thoughts are so cowardy or work-based religion thinking. 

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, 

but worldly sorrow brings death.

2 Corinthians 7:10

We should feel the sorrow and guilt for the sins that we did, but the wrong way of sorrow and our own way to atone for our sins will just bring death.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, 

but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

In the same time, we also shouldn't feel depressed and let our sins in the past burden us (but this is exactly what I am doing now >.<). We need not to do so, because Christ has paid for our sins, and moreover God gives us the Holy Spirit, not a spirit of coward, but a spirit of power and love. 

These things are easy to be said and to be taught, when when come to doing it, it is difficult, in fact it  is impossible if you try to do it yourself. Only with God and by God we can do it. 

Change my heart oh Lord, 

make it ever true. 

Change my heart oh Lord, 

may I be like You. 

 ____________________

 

Teach us how to love each other,

Lift us to the joy divine. 

From the hymn Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee

Step #1: Be a godly man

Today immediately after the Sunday service, I meet with Joshua and went to his church in Cheras. After the sermon there was a choir singing by Jean and other brothers and sisters. After the service we have a lunch at McD. Then we meet up with Wailup, Annie, Chong, and Yiping. We have a great time together and catching up with what happened in our life. 

Glad to see these three couples, not just ordinary couples, but couples that grow together in our Lord Jesus Christ, couples that please God and glorify His name. And the way they being close with each other is so much different from those couples who are not in Christ. I also seen Wailup and Annie's wedding photos. Those photos were taken at Kota Kinabalu by Adam Ong. Maybe next time should find him also, find only I meet a godly partner. 

Btw I quite surprise to hear that Kok Tong is very popular among the sisters in his church at Kedah, even the pastor's wife wanted to introduce her daughter to him. I wonder why this is happening, and Joshua explained, is very simple, a single young man, with talent, works as a doctor, and having a strong and firm spiritual life, so of course many sisters coming after him. After all what Frank says is true, if you want a godly wife, just be a godly man. You can't expect God let an ungodly man to take care a godly woman. 

Seriously I always thought that finding a godly partner is very difficult. Actually it is not difficult, because the difficult part is to be a godly man. Is never easy, in fact it is impossible for everyone, because all have sinned and fall short if the glory of God, but thanks be to our God that He sent His Son to be the atonement of our sins. By His blood we are able to pursuit holiness, to be more Christ-like. Anyway I feel so glad to meet these brothers and sisters again. There are like my family. 

 ____________________

 

"Be holy, because I am holy."
1 Peter 1:16